A Microcosm of the Life of the Cleveland Sports Fan

Many of my friends from other parts of these great United States often ridicule me for choosing (read: being born and socialized by family) to root for the sports teams from the most cursed city of Cleveland. Yet, all of those merry jokesters (like a certain friend of mine who is a Patriots fan) don't really understand what it's like to be a Cleveland fan; they can't comprehend the amount of spirituous beverage needed to still the tooth that gnaws at the soul after watching your team piss away a ninth inning lead in game 7 of the 1997 World Series.

At any rate, for those of you unbaptized into the fraternity of Cleveland Sports Woe, allow me to proselytize...

1) The Cleveland Indians: offensive mascot, no titles in 56 years and counting. Out of the gate, there were high expectations for contention in 2005. As the team compiled a league-worst batting average, hopes began to fade. We were told there was help on the horizon... two-time AL-MVP Juan Gonzalez was healing up from his hamstring injuries. He was coming. He hit .286 during his rehab assignment in AAA. Called up for Tuesday's game, hopes were high. Here was the stabilizing force in the middle of the lineup; everything else would fall into place as the team began to right itself on the offensive side. 434 career home runs, just over 1400 career RBIs. Sure, another player had to be designated for assignment (read: CUT) to make room for him on the roster, but it will be SOOO worth it when he's batting in runs.

So it was in the top of the first inning last night that he had his first at-bat of the season. As he chopped a ball off of home plate, I said to myself, "I wonder how hard he's going to run this out, given the sore hammies and all." The very next sound to come from my TV set:

Rick Manning (announcer): "And there it is... he's hurt again already." Cut to a shot of Gonzalez not even running all the way to first base, peeling off, and limping back to the dugout.

2) The Cleveland Cavaliers: perennial joke, no titles in their 34-year history. Well, in 2003, they won the lottery: LeBron James. The complete player. Two non-playoff performances later, the Cavs are without a coach, a GM, and have an impatient new owner. Enter Larry Brown, rumored to be the new president of basketball operations: the same Larry Brown who refused to play the same LeBron James during the United States' ill-fated run at basketball gold in the 2004 Olympics. So, the rumors begin anew: how soon will LeBron be leaving Cleveland? It would figure that the one STAR this city has on the sports gridiron probably can't wait to get out of town as quickly as possible.

3) The Cleveland Browns: with no titles since 1964, the team was actually moved away to Baltimore in the spring of 1996, only to return in 1999 with quite possibly THE WORST expansion team I've ever seen. After six years with exactly ONE playoff game (a gut-wrenching come-from-ahead loss to the hated Steelers) and the ignominious exit of Butch Davis (who "resigned" to the tune of $12 million--we should all be so lucky), a new regime with a credible general manager and coach brings hope to the faithful. The long-standing problem with this team: no offensive line. So, the first thing the new regime does: bring in two reputable offensive guards. On paper, the team now has a better-than-average offensive line with which to control the line of scrimmage, and pick up those pesky 3rd-and-1's. Alas, it would figure that the two carry-over tackles (by far, the best players on the less-than-mediocre lines of years past) elect to skip June mini-camp in order that their contract demands might be met (demands for what, I ask? Showing up? How can players on THE WORST line in professional football demand more money?).


This, friends, is what it's like to be a Cleveland Fan. Even when things look like they might be on the upswing, good old Isaac Newton reminds us that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Despite the rant above, the Indians actually won last night to pull back to .500 at 25-25. Just when I think I'm out, THEY PULLLLL ME BACK IN!!!