Observations

It's been awhile since I published something tangible about all of my sports teams, so here goes:

Observations about the Indians from the Columbus stop of their press tour:
1. Andy Marte is A LOT smaller in person than I thought he was:

He's not a very tall dude, and truth be told when he walked out for his introduction, holmes looked like he'd spent a bit too much time at the buffet this off-season. But, when he took off his coat as we approached the autograph table, you can tell he's fairly cut, if not fairly tall.

2. Every woman in Ohio (and perhaps beyond) would like to have freaky monkey sex with Grady Sizemore. I'm not going to knock the kid. He's got a pretty good life right now. Couple that in with the fact that we got he and Cliff Lee for the artist formerly known as Bartolo Colon (whom we wouldn't have been able to re-sign anyway), and Shapiro gets a little pat on the back. Robbery.


3. Eric Wedge is actually not hard to listen to. Charlie Manuel, I'm glaring in your direction. In all seriousness, the guy can command your attention when he talks, he actually knows his shit and will admit that the Tribe was pretty bad in the bullpen last year, and I have some confidence that he's really not a bad manager. I mean, if YOU had to pick from all of those pitchers to close out a game, who would you have picked?

The only time I really thought he bristled at a fan's question was the insinuation that his team had no chance with platoons at three positions (I must admit, I don't like the idea, especially when it robs at-bats from Ryan Garko). I don't think Eric likes nerdy fans who think they know more about baseball than him. Just a hunch.

4. It was really hard not to punch Bruce Hooley in the face. OK, so this has nothing to do with the Tribe, but I was five feet away from him, and contemplated getting out of the autograph line I'd stood in for about 90 minutes *just* to give Bruce a Dr. Martens to the nuts.

5. I feel bad for Tom Mastny. He's on the press tour with Grady Sizemore and Andy Marte, and they made him sign autographs AFTER those two. People were just walking past him. Not a cool move by the club. Seems like a nice enough kid... hopefully he can do something in the next couple of years. It doesn't look like there's a spot for him in this year's bullpen, though.

6. Fausto is the "6th" starter coming out of camp, per Wedge. Not so sure I agree, what with Adam Miller and the emergence of Jeremy Sowers, and the fact that Fausto was lights-out as a set up man (anyone remember the 2001 version of Danys Baez?). That said, whatever it takes to get Paul Byrd the hell out of Cleveland is fine by me.

7. Reading between the lines, look for a possible spring (or July) deal involving some combination of Brad Snyder, Franklyn Guttierrez, Shin-Soo Choo, and Ben Francisco. When asked if they were ever getting a shot with the team, Wedge said that there is a log-jam at outfielder, but that "depth is something every organization needs." Considering they went out of their way to sign two washed up shitty platoon outfielders this year, methinks they're giving the experiment a chance to work, and if it does, they will make a trade for bullpen help or a shortstop if Peralta continues to eat hog this year. But, I've been known to be wrong before.

8. I can't wait to see Josh Barfield play 81 games in Jacobs Field.


Observations about the Browns
1. So, we ask to interview Jason Garret, get shot down, and hire Chud... but when Dallas asks to interview Garret, they can? I don't know if he'd be a good coordinator, but the buzz around the league is that he's a rising star. It just figures that the Browns would miss out on him for being "too early" in trying to get him.

2. Chud. Huh. Not sure. Can't be worse than Carthon, right?

3. Picking either 3 or 4 in the draft. Let's see how we can fuck this up (*cough*Brady Quinn*cough*).

4. We just hired an offensive line coach who was:
a) out of football last season
b) prior to that, coached the abysmal o-line in Houston that gave up 68 fucking sacks in 2005!

Marshall has four years’ NFL experience, with the Houston Texans from 2002 to 2005. He started as assistant offensive line coach in 2002 and 2003 and was promoted to offensive line coach/tackles in 2004. In 2005, he assumed full responsibility for the line after Chris Palmer was fired as offensive coordinator and co-offensive line coach Joe Pendry moved up to coordinator.

Marshall was let go after the 2005 season when head coach Dom Capers was fired and spent 2006 out of football. He was recently hired by Nick Saban to coach Alabama’s offensive line, but opted to return to the NFL.

Before joining the Texans, he spent 23 years in the college ranks, including stints as offensive coordinator at the North Carolina and Texas A&M. He spent the 2000-01 season as offensive line coach at the University of Colorado under head coach Gary Barnett.

So, he coached a shitty o-line in Houston, and before that he worked for the jerkiest coach in college football? Really? That's the best we could do? Hey, at least he didn't shred his patellar tendon signing his contract. Accentuate the positive!

5. Other staff hired:
Tom Myslinski - Strength and Conditioning

Myslinski, a nine-year NFL offensive lineman, came from the University of Pittsburgh, where he was recently named assistant strength and conditioning coach. He spent three seasons with the Browns under Buddy Morris as an assistant strength and conditioning coach in from 2002-2004.

Because those were banner years for the health of the Browns. Nice work.

You would think I'd have given up on this team long ago, but no. You'd be wrong.


Observations of the Cavs while watching them get beat by Phoenix
1. Get LeBron some help. Please. For the love of God. I'm begging you. Don't give him a reason to leave!

2. Daniel Gibson shows flashes that make me wish Eric Snow was anywhere but the starting lineup.

3. What happened to Shannon Brown?

4. Will someone please at least call Z and let him know there's a game? I don't think he even got to the arena yesterday.

5. Though their offense is a well-oiled machine, the Suns had roughly 763 open three point looks yesterday. Not good defense, guys.

6. They will finish in the top 3 or 4 in the conference again, and will win a series; maybe 2. But this team has no business being in a discussion for an Eastern Conference title, let alone an NBA title.


Observations of the Columbus Blue Jackets
1. 11 points out of a playoff spot. Tough 3-game roadie coming up. Now would be a good time to learn to win on the road, Hitch And Company.

2. Figures, they win 4 out of 5, and manage to lose their second string goalie in the process. Down to the 3rd stringer. Come on *gulp* Ty Conklin!

3. Will somebody call the Rick Nash from the All Star game and give him directions to the arena? I'm tired of seeing his slower, lesser-scoring stunt double out there.

4. They need to go on a streak of about 5 or 6 in a row before there can be any serious playoff talk.

5. That said, if they'd played at the pace since Hitchcock arrived (15-12-3, 33 points in 30 games), they'd currently be 25-20-5, have 55 points, and be only 1 point out of the 8th playoff spot. In other words, fuck you, Gerard Gallant.

Hey Ma... How Bout Some Cookies...

Last Minute Show

In addition to our show at the Newport next Saturday, we just added a last-minute show at Little Brother's tomorrow night (that's Wednesday).

Be there.

Newport Music Hall, part 3

Just to make sure everyone knows, my band is again playing at the Newport later this month.

All six of you, if you're free/in Columbus on Saturday, January 27th, hope to see you there. If you'd like to buy a ticket from me (which would be really cool of you), they are available for $8.

Reflections of suckitude

The following are short blurbs culled/compiled from actual quotes of mine from various e-mail conversations I've had with various people this morning in the wake of the BCS Championship Big Ten Massacre:

• Last night's championship game is an example of the main reason why I will never ever EVER shell out something like $3,000 to go to the Super Bowl for the Browns or a national title game for the Wolverines. Because, being the pessimist (read: Cleveland Fan) that I am, I will always be assuming in the back of my mind that my team will get shellacked. I would have hated to have spent $3000+ to go to last night's game and see my team get thrashed like that.


• I'm certainly not going to say that I'm sad that I don't have to listen to OSU fans taunt me about another championship, but at the same time I had a vested interest in that game for the fact that now everyone's going to say that the Big 10 is soft and overrated (which, maybe it actually is).


• I think the media repeatedly giving Florida no shot definitely contributed to their domination, but OSU never made *any* adjustments and their offensive line was just too slow. They looked like the Browns' offensive line out there.


• The worst part is definitely the validation it gives to Urban Meyer, which I think is largely undeserved. Sure, he won the game. But this is also the guy who in on his third school in six years, which tells me he's only looking out for himself. And, when you're up by 20 with 8 minutes to go and you fucking go for it on 4th and goal, and then you're up by 27 with time winding down, and you go for 4th down AGAIN, you have no class. People can say what they want about Tressel and his performance last night: he never pulls that bush-league crap and embarrasses the other team. I know the SEC people felt slighted all year (and Meyer especially did), but to take it so personally as to try to embarrass the other team on national TV is reprehensible.


• Re: Troy Smith, I know that he's not as bad a player as he looked last night, but I also know his offensive line did nothing to help him out. It doesn't matter if you have Tom Brady back there: if he doesn't have time to throw or even to let his routes develop, he's going to look bad. I think last night's game is probably my "exhibit A" about thinking it wouldn't be the best thing for the Browns to use a high pick on Troy: last night showed that bad offensive line play will make ANY quarterback look like Charlie Frye.


• And really, in Troy's defense, you take your fastest and favorite receiver out of the game plan, it's going to mess up not only the timing, but also the ability to do the things you're used to doing. Ginn going out probably hurt the offense more than any of us knows, and they just never seemed to recover from it. The fact that he got hurt in a celebration dogpile after scoring the opening touchdown makes it only that much more painful (and Browns-like).


• As for the defense, I hate to say it, but I think the USC/UM game and last night's game exposed the Big Ten for being as slow as it is. Both UM and OSU played soft coverage, looking afraid to get beat by superior athletes. For UM, it resulted with Booty picking them apart; for OSU, it resulted in Florida taking all of the short routes. The problem is that both teams--normally sure tackling teams--tackled poorly in their games. Whether that's a factor of USC and Florida being "better" teams than they were used to playing, I don't know. It certainly was uncharacteristic of both defenses. OSU looked so afraid of getting torched on a deep pass (from Chris Leak?!?) that they were willing to give up 5 yard crossing patterns all night... that ended up going for 10 yard gains. It also opened up all of that sweepy-optiony crap that Florida runs. When you run a jailbreak screen to one side and all of the DBs are playing 10 yards off, well that makes it pretty easy to get 10 yards picked up. I guess I just didn't understand why the defense didn't abandon that when they saw it was getting them killed. Sooner or later, you have to realize that your plan isn't working and try something else.

All in all, a very disappointing display from Ohio State, and really from the big two of the Big Ten. It's unfortunate, because neither team played anywhere close to the caliber it had been playing all season. Is that because of the layoffs (44 and 51 days)? Who knows? I would like to have seen the two games played with the teams in mid-season peak form, or for the teams to play a home-and-home. I'm just disappointed and frustrated that the next eight months will be all about how bad the Big Ten is, and about how great Urban Meyer is.

Speaking of vacations...

NOTE: This post was originally started on 12/30/06 when I was actually on vacation, but at that time something else caught my ADD attention span and I didn't finish it. Just so that the title and date make sense...


As I sit here on Day 11 of The 15-Day Vacation, it occurs to me that no one ever got to hear much about our trip to Miami Beach over Thanksgiving. A gross oversight! Allow me to expound...

My darling wife, based on a previous trip of her own, recommended the Trump International Sonesta Beach Resort. Who was I to argue? The man clearly knowns his Sonesta. Or something. At any rate, we took off Wednesday morning at the ass-crack of dawn, and after a couple of short flights and a long and sometimes fear-inducing taxi cab ride, we arrived.

Check in was a breeze, and we went up to our room of the 20th floor. As we entered our ocean-view room, we noticed that--despite it being a non-smoking hotel--someone had clearly been smoking in our room. A lot. The concierge brought our bags in, and we asked him if we might switch. Within five minutes, we were headed up to the 21st floor, and an identical room. High marks for The Donald on customer service.

I ventured out onto the balcony, and saw:

Nice. I LOVE me some ocean views. Being severely afraid of heights, it took me awhile to look down. But, once I did, I saw some even better stuff:

Two jacuzzis, a large pool, beach chairs with attendants (I love the little flagpole/flag thing they give you... if you're thirsty, raise the flag. The waiter will be by directly). Melissa and I spent some time for two days down on the beach, and even though the weather wasn't the greatest, it is still always nice to lay by the ocean.

On Thanksgiving, I forced myself to workout, even if just for a little bit. We decided to make a reservation down in South Beach for dinner. The Concierge at the Trump gave us many options, and in the end, we settled on Mark's South Beach:

The hotel ran a free shuttle down to South Beach (the hotel was decidedly north of SB), and so we went down a bit early to get the lay of the land, neither of us having been there before. Because we're idiots, we took no pictures. We had a drink at Finnegan's Way on Ocean Blvd before dinner

just for shits and giggles, and because I like me some Irish joints.

Our Mark's reservation approached, and so we went over to check it out. They had a Thanksgiving special which included turkey (gotta have turkey), and all in all we did our best to stuff ourselves completely rotten. Everything from the drinks, wine, soup, salad, main course, and dessert was spectacular.

We decided to walk down Ocean Blvd. again on South Beach to see what it was like after dark. Considering it was a holiday, we were surprised at how many people were out, and I was surprised/a little disgusted at how many people got their pictures taken at the gate/front steps of the Versace mansion where Gianni Versace was brutally killed in 1997:

Maybe it's just the attraction to famous people, and/or I'm reading WAY too much into it all, but whatever.

The restaurants, bars, and clubs were all sufficiently croweded, and all of the restaurants had seating out on the sidewalk, and had samples of food as well as hosts/hostesses out trying desperately to get you to eat at their restaurants. This would come in handy on Friday.

We went back to the hotel, sipped some wine on our balcony, and enjoyed the view and the ocean.

Friday took us back to lounging on the beach, and eventually back to South Beach for dinner. We meandered up and down Ocean Blvd. to find a place to eat, eventually settling on this nice little Italian place called Hosteria Romana. There seemed to be a server/busser-to-patron ration of 762-1, but it was certainly entertaining, as ALL of the service people spoke Italian. In fact, our busser spoke so little English that, when we asked her what was in the olive oil they served with their bread, she stumbled to find the word "garlic" in her English vocabulary. The food was amazing, though extremely rich. We ate right up next to the sidewalk and watched the people stroll by as the night came on:


Finally, we opted to find a place to have one last drink in South Beach, and Melissa persuaded me to go to Mango's Tropical Cafe. Wow. Imagine if the B-squad from Hooters all got spandex unitards and starting working at Margaritaville after hours. Or, better yet, think 5 parts Latin strip club, 2 parts salsa dancing bar:



Really, the self-portrait of us taken at Mango's says it all:


Finally, on Saturday, we packed up and headed for home. Our plane was very late leaving Florida, and when we got to Pittsburgh we missed our connection (no thanks to you, US Airways). I forced myself to eat some Quaker Steak and Lube wings and drink a Yuengling while we waited for our next flight some 2 hours later. By the time we got home, we were worn out.

And someone was not only happy to see us, but let us know that the next time we go, we aren't going without him:

Biding our time...

Ladies and gentlemen, the new coach of your 2008 Cleveland Browns:

Cowher is leaving the Steelers.

As most of you probably know, I pretty much HATE all things Steelers. And that remains true. With that having been said, though, I have nothing but RESPECT for Cowher, for the way he runs his team(s), for the way he gets the most out of every single one of his players, for the way he surrounds himself with good coaches. Say what you want about jerk-wad Steelers fans and their jerk-wad players, you can't deny that they play hard every week, and that to a man each of them would run through a wall for coach Cowher. The Browns desperately need that attitude, both from their coach and from their players. Crennel has built a respectable foundation for a 3-4 defense, the same that Cowher loves. The Browns are a few pieces away from where they need to be to really compete, and Cowher is definitely one of those pieces.

And, plus, after today, Cowher won't be a Steeler anymore. He got his start in coaching with Cleveland, and here's one Browns fan hoping he takes the year off, recharges his batteries, and comes back to his roots in 2008.

Keep the seat warm for him, Romeo.

New Year's Sports Resolutions as Narrated by Dan Parker in the Third Person

Dan Parker doesn't like to look back; he'd rather look forward. And, since he can barely remember what his wife said to him ten days ago, what good would it do for Dan to try to write some schmultzy year in review of 2006?

Further, since the only thing Dan knows anything about in this world is his sucky-ass sports teams, he felt it would be best served in this blogging environment to turn the proverbial mic over to each of his favorite teams, to hear what they have in store for 2007.

Without further ado...

2007 Cleveland Indians
We, the Cleveland Indians, resolve to improve the one perceived area of weakness on our 2006 team. Let's face it; our bullpen really blew goats last season. We were last in the league in saves, and the instability mirrored the 2004 season in which our team led the league in blown saves. To accomplish this task, we signed four retread pitchers for the back end of our bullpen. Joe Borowski, Keith Foulke, Aaron Fultz, and Roberto Hernandez. Nevermind that Hernandez is 42, Foulke and Borowski have questionable injury histories, and Fultz has hever had an ERA south of 4.40 in the NATIONAL LEAGUE. Clearly, this is going to work out swimmingly for this small- to mid-market team with no large revenue stream. Seriously, this is the best we could do.
To bolster our streaky offense, we brought in big gun Dave Delucci. We will be platooning at three positions, and who knows if our unproven third baseman, second baseman, and fat/slow/shitty shortstop will bounce back. But, other than that, we're set!

2007 Team Motto: Hey, It Could be Worse! Just Ask a Kansas City Royals Fan!

Dan Parker reads articles about this team, and it makes him cringe. Granted, these pitchers are a step up from the likes of Jose Jimenez and Scott Stewart, Dan is not impressed, and remains skeptical. Parker also doesn't like the idea of platooning at BOTH corner outfield positions, and a potential 3-person platoon at first base. And, considering Casey Blake figures prominently in two of those three platoons, Dan thinks he might have just thrown up in his mouth a little bit. And, while Dan agrees that Andy Marte has tons of potential, and that the Josh Barfield trade was a good move considering Kevin Kouzmanoff probably is going to be more on the side of "flash in the pan until pitchers adjust to him" than "bonafide star," Barfield is still young, and Dan remembers Jhonny Peralta having a great 2005 once upon a time, too.

Consider Dan to be Randy Quaid's character in Major League 2. He'll believe it when he sees it. Dan remembers the 2005 Indians lighting it up in spring training and for the first week of the season, too.


2006-2007 Cleveland Cavaliers
We, the Cleveland Cavaliers, resolve to take the next step in 2007, and to win the Eastern Conference. See how we're behind Detroit by only .5 game? Just because we can't win on the road and the Eastern Conference eats a giant dick bag is no reason for concern! Just because we don't always play good defense and can't always get the ball inside doesn't mean we're not serious contenders. See, we beat the Spurs twice! TWICE!

2007 Spring Motto: Don't Worry: We're Pretty Sure the University of Florida Basketball Team Could Win 50 Games This Season Playing in the Eastern Conference.

Dan Parker has watched this team play from time to time, and he's not all that impressed. Dan's uncle, himself a respected high school basketball coach in the Ohio Hall of Fame said over Christmas that he felt this year's Cavs' team wasn't even as good as last year's team. Dan trust's his uncle's opinion, because his uncle has probably forgotten more basketball knowledge than Dan could ever hope to learn in his lifetime.

This team is inconsistent, and it annoys Dan that they can't seem to win on the road, Wednesday's win over the depleted Celtics notwithstanding. Don't get Dan wrong: this team--and more specifically LeBron James--is the reason he even pays attention to the NBA again after a good 15-year hiatus, but Dan isn't impressed with these Cavs, and thinks that, unless some kind of change/spark happens, they are again doomed to an early playoff exit.


2007 Cleveland Browns
We, the Cleveland Browns, resolve to show improvement--again--in 2007. Actually, don't ask us; we're just sitting here waiting for that batch of Ebola to sweep over the players. Memo to all potential free agents: hears hoping your patellar tendons are nice and ripe for the popping!

Let's see... we've already fired two of our crappy offensive assistants, and at least two more are rumored to be checking the mail for their pink slips. What else... we're either picking at #3 or #4, and the Raiders are taking Quinn. That means that either Joe Thomas, Jake Long, and/or Alan Branch will be available in our spot. I know: let's draft Adrian Peterson! No one will see that coming! He's so good he won't need blocking! We'll just put that whole "finding a good quarterback" thing on hold for another couple of years while we beat up the two current stiffs that we have behind our liquid shit offensive line.

2007 Team Motto: Your Staph Infection Headquarters! / We'd All Sell a Kidney This Season to Get Bill Cowher Here in 2008 (tie)

Dan has run out of things to say about the Browns that haven't already been said. Between the hyperbole of injury (e.g. "Hey, Kamerion Wimbley is going to be a stud! At least until he is diagnoses with hemophilia, and then cuts his leg on the way home from the hospital and bleeds out and dies!") and the overall losing culture of being a Browns player/fan, what else can be said? Dan knows that, come July, he will be drinking the Kool-Aid and thinking the team is capable of winning 8 or 9 games, and that by December he will return to his state of brokenness and pessimism for the foreseeable future.

Really, Dan knows that all this team needs is two offensive linemen, one or two defensive linemen, and a serviceable cornerback and they're likely to be a completely different team, but Dan has been around long enough to know that, even if those players materialize in 2007, they will all either: a) get injured, most likely in some freak way, or b) be over the hill come September. It's still January, and the 4-12 season is still fresh on Dan's tastebuds, so he remains guarded. Look for the annual Jumping Onto the Bandwagon around July 31.


2006-2007 Columbus Blue Jackets
We, the Columbus Blue Jackets, resolve to continue on the path we're on, to improve upon our franchise-record 74 points from last season, and to take another step toward the playoffs this year. We know we probably won't make it, because we still can't win on the road, and our conference is pretty stacked, but we're committed to at least trying to improve. We finally hired a coach with some degree of a track record, and as our 20-point December can attest, we're definitely headed in the right direction. We've still got some kinks to work out, but here's to cracking the 80-point plateau in 2007!

2007 Team Motto: Please Excuse the Mess as We Work to Serve You Better

Dan LOVES having a hockey team in his home city. While they are not all that far removed from expansion, the new landscape of the NHL and the talent level on this team says they should be competing for a playoff spot. Dan was happy with their first five games (in which they actually led the division for a week or so), but after they they returned to their normal form of not being able to score or to stop anyone when it mattered, Dan lost the faith. Enter Ken Hitchcock, who (much to Dan's surprise) has righted the ship faster than anyone could have hoped. Dan just wonders if the hole wasn't a bit too deep when the Jackets made the move. Dan hopes the Jackets can learn to win more of those tough games and to put forth a more consistent effort. It's going to take some work to get into the playoffs, but (if nothing else) Dan is happy that the Jackets at least have him caring about them once again.


2007 Michigan Wolverines
We, the 2007 Michigan Wolverines, resolve to, well, stay the course. Wake us up for the Ohio State game so that we can promptly go back to sleep for it and our bowl game. Just like every year. We're not sure why, but everyone's taken to calling Lloyd Carr "Coop" around here. Go figure.

2007 Team Motto: Seriously. 11-2 is Good Enough. Every Year.

It finally made sense to Dan as he watched his team shit its collective pants on New Years Day yet again. Lloyd Carr is now officially John Cooper. Tons of talent, wins all the games except the two important ones. Dan's not sure if this means that Lloyd is just not a "big game coach," or if it's something greater than that. Dan wanted to believe it wasn't true when his team brought back the same players on defense from 2005 that routinely got smoked and somehow had a top-5 defense all season long. But, true to form, when the chips were down, Lloyd got outcoached and his team got outplayed and out-physicaled in the two games in which it mattered the most. 11-2 doesn't sound bad, but when those two games were the LAST two games, it starts to wear on a fan base. Fire Lloyd? Dan isn't sure. Here's hoping Lloyd doesn't have to mirror Cooper's total collapse over the last three years of his OSU career before it improves for U of M.


As for personal resolutions, Dan Parker has elected to attempt to "get into shape" for his impending 30th birthday. He has drafted a plan to get down to his wedding-era fighting weight of 175 (currently at 198) by his birthday on June 14th.

Dan is looking forward to a few things in 2007: playing golf for a weekend with his dad and brother in North Carolina in March, a potential trip to Maine with his wife and family in July, and just spending time with his wife and their cool pooch in 2007. They collectively have resolved to do more hiking and/or camping in 2007 (thanks to a bevy of nice equipment/gifts they received from Dan's father-in-law for Christmas) and to enjoy nature while they can/before they have kids and become house-bound.

Overall, Dan is thankful to be alive, healthy, happy, and surrounded by many tremendous people that he cares about. Now, if only his sports teams would complete the fucking circle and grant him just one year of sports bliss! He doesn't think it's too much to ask.