OSU/Michigan - Colbert Style

I'm still recovering from a hectic football weekend (in which I watched both of my teams lose close games in rather dick-kicking fashion), but I felt that I should weigh in on the OSU/Michigan game as if I were Stephen Colbert. So, we're giving the game my...

Tips of the Cap / Wags of the Finger

Tip of the Cap
To the OSU fanbase. As much flak as I gave you before this game, and as much as I questioned your class (or lack thereof) regarding the Bo situation and the potential for riotous mayhem, the egg is on my face. By most accounts, there was nothing but respect for Bo, and only a few dozen arrests for various small crimes (such as couch burnings). It was all relatively tame. In addition, I got less shit this year for the game's outcome than in any OSU-winning year since I've lived here. I'm still sick of about 95% of you, but I have to give you the props you deserve for this weekend.

Wag of the Finger
To Lee Corso. Seriously... what the fuck? Why would you go and pick Michigan? Kiss of Fucking Death.

Tip of the Cap
To the Michigan coaches and players. Gave up a late second quarter touchdown to go down 28-14 going into halftime, and OSU was getting the ball back in the third quarter. It would have been easy to pack it in. But you didn't. That's all I could ask. OSU is clearly the best team in the country, and you gave them all they could handle on their home field. Bravo.

Wag of the Finger
To the defensive coaches for both teams. The #1 and #5 scoring defenses in the country give up 81 total points. To the Michigan coaches, I knew your secondary had the potential to struggle, but to struggle that badly AND give up those two HUGE running plays (your supposed strength)? To your credit, OSU has more athletes at skill positions than any team in the country, and I know they spread you out so much with the passing game, but your vaunted front four played probably the worst game of the year. Even your blitzes didn't work. You needed to find some way to get pressure and stop those pesky runs straight into your D-line, and you didn't. To the OSU coaches, I know your team gives up beaucoup yards, but always buckles down and creates a lot of turnovers, but Michigan's offense isn't *that* good. Trust me. I watched all but two of their games this year. 3 red zone rushing TDs, no turnovers, and making Henne look like a much better QB than he is? Not your finest hour.

Tip of the Cap
To Troy Smith. I'm not fond of you, what with your Tressel/politico speak, but I can't argue with your abilities. You didn't kill us running this year, but you didn't have to. It didn't matter what we threw at you; with the exception of the ball into double-coverage on a blitz that was tipped and picked off, you *always* threw it to the right guy. I hate you, but I can't knock your game. If the Heisman voting is even close, it's a travesty.

Heavy Wag of the Finger
To Shawn Crable. Nice hit, asshole. Third and long, Smith is running OUT OF BOUNDS and throwing the ball. No reason to hit him at all, really, but to lead with your helmet and go high is inexcusable. I'm not pinning the loss on you, but considering the pass was incomplete and OSU would have had to punt up only by 4 with 7 minutes left, and instead got a freebie first down, went down, and scored to go up by 11 with considerably less time on the clock, you certainly didn't help.

Tip of the Cap
To Chad Henne and Mike Hart. Neither of you have ever had success against OSU, but you certainly showed up Saturday. Hart carried the team on the ground and pounded out 140+ yards and 3 TD. Henne didn't throw the killer INT (as he's known to do) and led some very big scoring drives (including the opening drive of the game), and even though he was outshown by Smith, played a pretty damn good QB game.

Wag of the Finger
To Chad Henne and Mike Hart. Chad... how can you miss Manningham THAT BADLY down the sideline? That was 7 points, you had all day to throw, and he was so open that I didn't even blame his "woe is me" hands-out gesture as he watched the ball sail over his head. Simply momentum-killing. And Mike, shut your mouth. I know what you meant, and I know your comments were taken largely out of context (I know you were saying their defense wasn't anything special--which it wasn't on Saturday--NOT that their TEAM wasn't anything special like most are trying to spin it), but come on. Your team lost the game. Tip Your Cap and move on.

Tip of the Cap
To the BCS, for recognizing that Michigan is still the second best team in the country. To go into the unanimous #1 team's house--also home of the #1 scoring defense in the country--and hang up 39 points and lose only by 3 should earn them large amounts of respect. I know the pollsters jumped USC over Michigan, but the computers still know who's boss.

Wag of the Finger
To the BCS. I know USC can jump over Michigan if they beat Notre Dame, but what if they don't? It's the "if you lose your last regular season game and don’t win your conference, you probably don’t deserve a shot at the title" argument vs. the "it should be the two best teams" argument, which is a very subjective one. I'm in the camp of: there's no reason to have a rematch, because it will do one of two things:
1) it will reinforce the fact that OSU is the best team in the country while giving two other deserving teams (SEC champ, USC probably) no shot to prove otherwise, or
2) it will give the BCS national championship to a Michigan team that would have beaten OSU after losing to them already. The BCS doesn't split their championship; the winner of the title game gets it. If UM were to win, they should arguably have to play a third game to decide it, which would border on the ridiculous. All of that having been said, perhaps it's what college football needs to finally get a D-1 playoff system put in place. And, with THAT having been said, the homer in me says that a playoff would have made the OSU/UM game this weekend meaningless, because both teams would still be going to the playoff. And that's not cool either.


In summation, I was/am upset about the game, but in the end it was as good a game as advertised. If you had told me 81 points would be scored, I would have laughed. I can say, though it pains me, that OSU is the best team I've seen in the country. Their defense could use a little work, especially if they play a team like Arkansas that can run, or like USC that has great wide receivers and a good, balanced offense, but their offense can essentially run almost anybody off the field. Their depth at the skill positions is uncanny.


Bonus Tip of the Cap
To Kellen Winslow Jr.

Wait, wait. That's not it. That was a Wag of the Finger, that one.

Kellen, your completely emasculating throw-off of Joey Porter on that six yard out pass in the third quarter actually made me yell, "OHHHhhh, SHIT!!" out loud at the game yesterday.

Mini-Tip of the Cap to the Browns stadium staff that showed the replay of it from every angle at least twice on the giant stadium video boards after it happened. One of the most satisfying plays I've ever witnessed in person, even in spite of the game's outcome.