New Year's Sports Resolutions as Narrated by Dan Parker in the Third Person

Dan Parker doesn't like to look back; he'd rather look forward. And, since he can barely remember what his wife said to him ten days ago, what good would it do for Dan to try to write some schmultzy year in review of 2006?

Further, since the only thing Dan knows anything about in this world is his sucky-ass sports teams, he felt it would be best served in this blogging environment to turn the proverbial mic over to each of his favorite teams, to hear what they have in store for 2007.

Without further ado...

2007 Cleveland Indians
We, the Cleveland Indians, resolve to improve the one perceived area of weakness on our 2006 team. Let's face it; our bullpen really blew goats last season. We were last in the league in saves, and the instability mirrored the 2004 season in which our team led the league in blown saves. To accomplish this task, we signed four retread pitchers for the back end of our bullpen. Joe Borowski, Keith Foulke, Aaron Fultz, and Roberto Hernandez. Nevermind that Hernandez is 42, Foulke and Borowski have questionable injury histories, and Fultz has hever had an ERA south of 4.40 in the NATIONAL LEAGUE. Clearly, this is going to work out swimmingly for this small- to mid-market team with no large revenue stream. Seriously, this is the best we could do.
To bolster our streaky offense, we brought in big gun Dave Delucci. We will be platooning at three positions, and who knows if our unproven third baseman, second baseman, and fat/slow/shitty shortstop will bounce back. But, other than that, we're set!

2007 Team Motto: Hey, It Could be Worse! Just Ask a Kansas City Royals Fan!

Dan Parker reads articles about this team, and it makes him cringe. Granted, these pitchers are a step up from the likes of Jose Jimenez and Scott Stewart, Dan is not impressed, and remains skeptical. Parker also doesn't like the idea of platooning at BOTH corner outfield positions, and a potential 3-person platoon at first base. And, considering Casey Blake figures prominently in two of those three platoons, Dan thinks he might have just thrown up in his mouth a little bit. And, while Dan agrees that Andy Marte has tons of potential, and that the Josh Barfield trade was a good move considering Kevin Kouzmanoff probably is going to be more on the side of "flash in the pan until pitchers adjust to him" than "bonafide star," Barfield is still young, and Dan remembers Jhonny Peralta having a great 2005 once upon a time, too.

Consider Dan to be Randy Quaid's character in Major League 2. He'll believe it when he sees it. Dan remembers the 2005 Indians lighting it up in spring training and for the first week of the season, too.


2006-2007 Cleveland Cavaliers
We, the Cleveland Cavaliers, resolve to take the next step in 2007, and to win the Eastern Conference. See how we're behind Detroit by only .5 game? Just because we can't win on the road and the Eastern Conference eats a giant dick bag is no reason for concern! Just because we don't always play good defense and can't always get the ball inside doesn't mean we're not serious contenders. See, we beat the Spurs twice! TWICE!

2007 Spring Motto: Don't Worry: We're Pretty Sure the University of Florida Basketball Team Could Win 50 Games This Season Playing in the Eastern Conference.

Dan Parker has watched this team play from time to time, and he's not all that impressed. Dan's uncle, himself a respected high school basketball coach in the Ohio Hall of Fame said over Christmas that he felt this year's Cavs' team wasn't even as good as last year's team. Dan trust's his uncle's opinion, because his uncle has probably forgotten more basketball knowledge than Dan could ever hope to learn in his lifetime.

This team is inconsistent, and it annoys Dan that they can't seem to win on the road, Wednesday's win over the depleted Celtics notwithstanding. Don't get Dan wrong: this team--and more specifically LeBron James--is the reason he even pays attention to the NBA again after a good 15-year hiatus, but Dan isn't impressed with these Cavs, and thinks that, unless some kind of change/spark happens, they are again doomed to an early playoff exit.


2007 Cleveland Browns
We, the Cleveland Browns, resolve to show improvement--again--in 2007. Actually, don't ask us; we're just sitting here waiting for that batch of Ebola to sweep over the players. Memo to all potential free agents: hears hoping your patellar tendons are nice and ripe for the popping!

Let's see... we've already fired two of our crappy offensive assistants, and at least two more are rumored to be checking the mail for their pink slips. What else... we're either picking at #3 or #4, and the Raiders are taking Quinn. That means that either Joe Thomas, Jake Long, and/or Alan Branch will be available in our spot. I know: let's draft Adrian Peterson! No one will see that coming! He's so good he won't need blocking! We'll just put that whole "finding a good quarterback" thing on hold for another couple of years while we beat up the two current stiffs that we have behind our liquid shit offensive line.

2007 Team Motto: Your Staph Infection Headquarters! / We'd All Sell a Kidney This Season to Get Bill Cowher Here in 2008 (tie)

Dan has run out of things to say about the Browns that haven't already been said. Between the hyperbole of injury (e.g. "Hey, Kamerion Wimbley is going to be a stud! At least until he is diagnoses with hemophilia, and then cuts his leg on the way home from the hospital and bleeds out and dies!") and the overall losing culture of being a Browns player/fan, what else can be said? Dan knows that, come July, he will be drinking the Kool-Aid and thinking the team is capable of winning 8 or 9 games, and that by December he will return to his state of brokenness and pessimism for the foreseeable future.

Really, Dan knows that all this team needs is two offensive linemen, one or two defensive linemen, and a serviceable cornerback and they're likely to be a completely different team, but Dan has been around long enough to know that, even if those players materialize in 2007, they will all either: a) get injured, most likely in some freak way, or b) be over the hill come September. It's still January, and the 4-12 season is still fresh on Dan's tastebuds, so he remains guarded. Look for the annual Jumping Onto the Bandwagon around July 31.


2006-2007 Columbus Blue Jackets
We, the Columbus Blue Jackets, resolve to continue on the path we're on, to improve upon our franchise-record 74 points from last season, and to take another step toward the playoffs this year. We know we probably won't make it, because we still can't win on the road, and our conference is pretty stacked, but we're committed to at least trying to improve. We finally hired a coach with some degree of a track record, and as our 20-point December can attest, we're definitely headed in the right direction. We've still got some kinks to work out, but here's to cracking the 80-point plateau in 2007!

2007 Team Motto: Please Excuse the Mess as We Work to Serve You Better

Dan LOVES having a hockey team in his home city. While they are not all that far removed from expansion, the new landscape of the NHL and the talent level on this team says they should be competing for a playoff spot. Dan was happy with their first five games (in which they actually led the division for a week or so), but after they they returned to their normal form of not being able to score or to stop anyone when it mattered, Dan lost the faith. Enter Ken Hitchcock, who (much to Dan's surprise) has righted the ship faster than anyone could have hoped. Dan just wonders if the hole wasn't a bit too deep when the Jackets made the move. Dan hopes the Jackets can learn to win more of those tough games and to put forth a more consistent effort. It's going to take some work to get into the playoffs, but (if nothing else) Dan is happy that the Jackets at least have him caring about them once again.


2007 Michigan Wolverines
We, the 2007 Michigan Wolverines, resolve to, well, stay the course. Wake us up for the Ohio State game so that we can promptly go back to sleep for it and our bowl game. Just like every year. We're not sure why, but everyone's taken to calling Lloyd Carr "Coop" around here. Go figure.

2007 Team Motto: Seriously. 11-2 is Good Enough. Every Year.

It finally made sense to Dan as he watched his team shit its collective pants on New Years Day yet again. Lloyd Carr is now officially John Cooper. Tons of talent, wins all the games except the two important ones. Dan's not sure if this means that Lloyd is just not a "big game coach," or if it's something greater than that. Dan wanted to believe it wasn't true when his team brought back the same players on defense from 2005 that routinely got smoked and somehow had a top-5 defense all season long. But, true to form, when the chips were down, Lloyd got outcoached and his team got outplayed and out-physicaled in the two games in which it mattered the most. 11-2 doesn't sound bad, but when those two games were the LAST two games, it starts to wear on a fan base. Fire Lloyd? Dan isn't sure. Here's hoping Lloyd doesn't have to mirror Cooper's total collapse over the last three years of his OSU career before it improves for U of M.


As for personal resolutions, Dan Parker has elected to attempt to "get into shape" for his impending 30th birthday. He has drafted a plan to get down to his wedding-era fighting weight of 175 (currently at 198) by his birthday on June 14th.

Dan is looking forward to a few things in 2007: playing golf for a weekend with his dad and brother in North Carolina in March, a potential trip to Maine with his wife and family in July, and just spending time with his wife and their cool pooch in 2007. They collectively have resolved to do more hiking and/or camping in 2007 (thanks to a bevy of nice equipment/gifts they received from Dan's father-in-law for Christmas) and to enjoy nature while they can/before they have kids and become house-bound.

Overall, Dan is thankful to be alive, healthy, happy, and surrounded by many tremendous people that he cares about. Now, if only his sports teams would complete the fucking circle and grant him just one year of sports bliss! He doesn't think it's too much to ask.