Catching Up: Top 3's

To expound on a theme I breifly touched on in an e-mail this morning, here are my top 3's in various subjects:

Top 3 Shots* that I Saw from Thursday March Madness

3. Dude from Xavier faking dude from BYU out of his jock, driving, hitting a floater to put the Musketeers ahead at the end.

2. Greg Oden tapping a rebound up in the air to himself, only to be able to thoroughly ass-dunk it on the head of the CCSU player below him. And this is coming from a Michigan fan. Must be nice to be the coach for CCSU, and to know that your tallest player is 6'7" and you somehow have to try to stop Greg Oden.

1. Maynor for VCU completely mushroom-stamping the entire Duke team with 1.6 seconds left. Nothing makes me happier than seeing those spoiled, we-get-all-the-calls ass-whifs being sent home in the first round.

*Note: had the foul not prevented it from technically counting, Jamar Butler (or was it someone else) chucking the ball off the glass to Oden for the poster-jam would have ranked #2. No one outranks Duke getting beat in the NCAAs. No one.


Top 3 March Cable Channels on Time Warner Digital Cable

3. Channel 90: NCAA Alternate Feed 3

2. Channel 89: NCAA Alternate Feed 2

1. Channel 88: NCAA Alternate Feed 1

I generally don't care that much for Time Warner, as I generally view them as an evil means to an end (that end being me getting sweet HD service for my 46-inch TV), but in the last month they let me talk them into lowering my bill $20 per month, and every March they trot out the alternate feeds for the NCAAs. Super sweet move.


Top 3 March Madness Commercials I Haven't Yet Seen and Hope I Don't See This Year

3. Any/all commercials from car companies that somehow try to tie buying a car in with winning the Tournament.

2. Any DiGiorno commercial involving Dick Vitale dunking while eating pizza, and screaming about it not being delivery, baby!

1. In a landslide, the Applebee's spot with the retiring high school coach who goes to Applebee's. My co-worker Brian (who probably hates the commercial as much or more than I do) and I have spent more time than we probably should have breaking down why we hate this commercial so much. Thanks in large part to those discussions, allow me to delve into why this commercial drives me to a homicidal rage of shouting each time I see it:

a) It's dude's last day of work, he's clearly sad about retiring, and all his wife can do is offer to take him to dinner at fucking Applebee's? Are you fucking kidding me?? "Can a girl buy you dinner?" If my wife offers to take me to Applebee's the day I retire, I'm going to ask her just to shoot me in the head instead.

b) I grew up in a fairly small town, and the staff at our local Applebee's didn't give a shit about me, about the community, and about our basketball coach. I sincerely doubt they would come over to him, and ask for his help in hanging their stupid picture up. It's kind of like the other Applebee's where the football team lost the big game, showed up to eat at Applebee's (which was closed/closing), and the entire staff was willing to stay over to serve them. Anyone that's ever worked a service job EVER with those kind of hours in their life knows that at that point, you're just wanting to go home, get your beer on, jerk off, and go to sleep. But I digress.

c) Wifey's face. If watching your husband hang a picture of himself up at your local fucking Applebee's chokes you up that much, you should probably re-evaluate what you've done with your life, and then go ahead and end said life. I am incapable of watching that commercial and NOT uttering a loud "UGGGHHHHHH!" whenever I see that face she makes. It's right up there with the Geico out-to-dinner Caveman who gives us the post-I-don't-have-much-of-an-appetite-thank-you sneer. What I wouldn't give for five minutes alone in a room with a lead pipe with that guy. But again, I've digressed.

d) This is really the penultimate dick-kick from Applebee's, who have also given us the aforementioned football team comes home too late commercial (those kids just lost the state title game, and they're sad about NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT AT APPLEBEE'S??), the "IIIIIII like steak and chicken" Frankie Valley style song, and the two douchebag singers doing the Gilligan's Island theme parody, telling us to sit right back and hear a tale about some tasty shrimp. I like shrimp, but I sure as shit won't be going to Applebee's to eat it.

And yes, I'm aware how psychotic it is that I've just devoted 4-5 paragraphs about a stupid Applebee's commercial.

Top 3 Things Elevating My False Hope for the 2007 Cleveland Browns

3. Jamal Lewis

2. Robaire Smith and Shaun Smith

1. Eric Steinbach and Seth McKinney


Top 3 Caveats to the above Top 3

3. I hate Jamal Lewis, and who knows if he has any tread left on the tires (or if it'd be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway--thanks, Stewie Griffin)?

2. Robaire could be over the hill, slightly, and Shaun might not ever fully develop into a nose tackle. Depth on the horrible d-line is always good, though, right?

1. Steinbach is earning A LOT of money, and the talent around him will be less than what he played with in Cincinnati. Does that mean he takes a step back? Also, McKinney had NECK SURGERY last year. As in, the part of the body that keeps the head attached and, when injured, results generally in paralysis and/or death. Anyone else think that having that kind of injury in tow is not a good thing when one comes to the Browns, who are running away with the title of Undisputed King of Freak Injuries franchise at this point?


Top 3 Cleveland Indians Who Won't Be on the Roster This Season, but that I really Like

3. Ben Francisco

2. Trevor Crowe

1. Adam Miller

Miller has been lights-out this spring, showing that's he back from the elbow that sidelined him a couple of years ago. Once the kid learns the finer points of pitching, he will be a stud. Once Crowe is ready to play in the big leagues, the combination of him, Barfield, and Sizemore will put so much good-hitting speed at the top of the Tribe's lineup that it will harken back to the Lofton-Vizquel-Baerga days at the top of the lineup. Except that, even at his apex, Baerga probably couldn't even come close to holding Sizemore's jock.


Top 3 Beers for my semi-Irish Arse this Weekend

3. Bass (mainly for Black and Tans)

2. Guinness Draft in a Bottle (or preferrably a tap, should I find myself at a bar somewhere)

1. Smithwick's


Top 3 Reasons That, in the Coming Few Weeks, I Will Probably Regress in all of the Weight-Loss/Toning Progress I've Made Over the Past Few Weeks

3. Golf/Hockey/Drinking/Family Male-Bonding in North Carolina next week with my brother, father, and crazy uncle

2. March Madness, and my seemingly ever-present need to drink beer while watching

1. God of War 2, which I purchased yesterday


And, lastly:
Top 3 Reasons that Cavs Might Have a Legitimate Shot at the #1 Seed in the East

3. LeBron James

2. LeBron James

1. LeBron James

I defy anyone who saw the third quarter of Wednesday's game at Memphis to disagree or argue with me.

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all, and to all a good night.