Catching Up, Yet Again

Wow, I just checked the blog and realized it has been awhile since I've written.

Part of that (read: most) can be attributed to the fact that from last Thursday morning until Monday evening I was traveling to North Carolina for a nice Parker-boys golfing weekend with my dad, brother, and uncle.

^{"We played 54 holes in 3 days... everyone of 'em great." --Buck McCoy}

My brother did an excellent job in scouting out three courses for us to play. Each one, in my opinion, was better than the one preceeding it, culminating in playing the Duke University course on Sunday. It was probably the hardest course I've ever played.


My game was rusty, as was to be expected. I salvaged a decent tee game, with my driver being in play about 50-60% of the time, my 5-wood being pretty good, and my long irons serving their purpose. My mid-irons were good. My short game was horrible, as is usual. I putted well on Friday, but not so well on Saturday and Sunday.

We scrambled all three rounds, and were a collective 10 over par, I believe. Not bad for three Yankees, two of which had not picked up their clubs yet this year. And, for my own little feather-in-cap moment, we birdied a par 5 on the Duke course. And we used all 4 of my shots. Git some!


Band

The band is playing at the Newport Music Hall again this evening. It was originally a five-band bill, I believe, but I was informed this morning that "Freak Nut Rat Patrol" has dropped out. edit It turns out one of their members was seriously injured and they were unable to play. I previously made a throw-away comment as to their sound, and for that I wish to apologize (having never heard their music). My bad, guys.


Sports

The Tribe is set to break camp today and begin their move northward. The final roster is set, and shakes up like this:

C: Victor Martinez, Kelly Shoppach
1B: Ryan Garko
2B: Josh Barfield
SS: Jhonny Peralta
3B: Andy Marte
LF: Jason Michaels, David Delucci
CF: Franchise McSizemore
RF: Casey Blake, Trot Nixon
DH: Travis Hafner
Bench: Mike Rouse
SP: CC Sabathia, Jake Westbrook, Jeremy Sowers, Paul Byrd, Fausto Carmona (Cliff Lee on DL)
RP: Roberto Hernandez, Aaron Fultz, Tom Mastny, Rafael Betencourt, Jason Davis, Fernando Cabrera (Matt Miller on DL)
CL: Joe Borowski

Some notes: Lars is no doubt happy that his boy Garko made the team. The "plan" for right now is that Garko will play some first base against lefties, will pinch hit, and possibly DH any days that Hafner plays first or gets a day off (which should be never!). Blake, Martinez, and Hafner will also split time at first base, depending on pitching matchups and Martinez needing days off behind the plate.

I like the Mike Rouse move. He hit very well in spring (which I know means nothing) and can play all three other infield spots. The thought of them keeping two utility infielders in lieu of Garko's bat was not one I would have endorsed.

Even though his addition to the bullpen was more a result of Matt Miller hurting himself, Tom Mastny pitched well in spring anyway. He also pitched well down the stretch last year until a dead arm ended his year. And, really, I'm rooting for him just a bit since the Indians were rude enough to put him AFTER Sizemore in the autograph line on the press tour, meaning a lot of people breezed right past him after getting Grady's signature. Not me, man. I let him sign my jersey (which also has FCabrera, JPeralta, RGarko, and AMarte on it). I like to think that my faith in him is the root of his good pitching in the spring, but it could be his control. The jury's still out at this point.

Despite my Randy-Quaid-in-Major-League-2 stance currently, I'm starting to warm a bit to the Tribe. I'm still skeptical of the bullpen, which will be the main deciding factor as to whether or not this team goes anywhere. They had the starters and the offense last season, and while their infield defense wasn't the greatest, the main reason they dropped off was their bullpen. The infield defense is marginally better (at least on paper, and so far during spring anyway), but the bullpen still scares me.

And, as the name of my one fantasy team suggests ("85 Wins and 4th Place"), it's going to take a little while for me to buy into all of the publications' pre-season picks of the Tribe winning the division. Prove me wrong, boys.


The Browns inch closer to the draft (April 28th). The first five picks in this draft are pretty much set in terms of which players they will be, but as for order and even the teams making the picks, no one can really know.

I, myself, will still be shocked if the Raiders don't take JaMarcus Russell, but the Lions are the wild card here. Matt Millen is capable of fucking almost anything up at any given time, so who knows who he'll pick? The consensus is that Calvin Johnson is the *best* prospect in the draft, but none of the top-3 really seem to want him. So, does that portend a trade up by someone else? The Lions would probably be best served by a trade down, as would the Browns in all reality.

Things that make me nervous as a Browns fan:
1. Brady Quinn. As I said earlier, I will light myself on fire if we draft him #3. There is talk that the Lions might take a flyer on him at #2, which (I hope to all things holy) would be the Browns' dream scenario. To have Joe Thomas, Johnson, and Adrien Peterson on the board at their pick at #3 would be ideal, both in terms of getting the player they want, and in trading down.

2. All of this talk about trading up to get Russell. Russell may be the best QB prospect in the draft (his workout was, as quoted by one coach or GM, "like a video game"), but the Browns are in no position to be giving up picks to move up a spot or two to get a player who isn't in the biggest position of need.

3. Adrien Peterson. Most accounts have him being the player the Browns will take, and while he has the potential to be a stud running back for many years, he also has the potential to be Ki-Jana Carter and be battling injuries every year.

For my money, the pick has to be Joe Thomas. Adding him to Eric Steinbach on the left side would be the best move they could make. That move would make all of the running backs and quarterbacks on the roster that much better, and to me, that's like a 2-for-1 pick. This is not to say that I think Charlie Frye or Derek Anderson will be Pro-Bowlers with Thomas on the o-line. Far from it. I'm just saying that adding Thomas along with Steinbach makes the left side of the line so much better, which in turn makes Jamal Lewis and Jason Wright better, as well as giving a pocket passer like Anderson a better chance of making a play and gives a guy like Charlie Frye more protection and less reason to have happy feet and bolt from the pocket. It also keeps them both from getting pulverized, which has to help their development just a touch, no?

So, while I will be happy with a pick of Peterson because of his potential to be a game-changing back, I will go on record as saying a pick of Thomas would make me happiest. The Lions hold the key. The Raiders won't take Thomas, but the Lions could. I'll be interested to see what Savage does if Thomas and Peterson are on the board at #3, and there's no viable trade option.


The Cavs went on a tear in late February and early March, and have hit a bit of a bump in the road. Three losses in four games, one of which was to the freaking Knicks. They've officially clinched a playoff spot, but currently a half a game seperates them from 2nd in the conference and 5th in the conference (since for some reason, Chicago is 5th behind Washington, despite having a better record than the Wiz...). I don't have to spell out how much better served they'd be in the 2nd spot over the 5th spot (though I apparently will by noting that, at present, it would be the difference in playing the Nets with home court versus playing the Wiz with no home court).

They have 10 games left, with only 4 at home. They have a huge game in Chicago coming up this weekend, as well as a tough back-to-back with Miami and Washington next week. Time to get back on the horse, gentlemen.


The Jackets are making another run at franchise records for wins and points (they currently sit at 71 points, 3 behind their record). Hitchcock has them playing with effort, and is (wisely and rather successfully) trying to get them excited to play next year, as opposed to just playing out the string. I don't know much about his off-season program/plans, but if he can get them this motivated right now as also-rans, my hope is that they can carry some of that into next season, hopefully get off to a better start, and build toward a possible low-seed playoff push. Though you don't really see it in overall record, the progress they've made since his arrival is definitely more noticable this year than in any other. It's hard not to see them as the Nashville Predators of 2003-2004.


Other News

The weather is finally getting nice. The yard is starting to come around. This is my favorite time of year. Nice, sunny, warm days, and crisp evenings and nights that allow one not to have to run the heater or the air conditioner, and allow one to sleep with a window open and under a blanket. If it was like this all year, there would be no complaining from me.

Yard projects are significantly in smaller supply this year, and will hopefully require much less back-breaking labor than years past. I'm looking forward to tweaking this year, as opposed to completely overhauling as in years past.

I think that's about it. Good times.

The Weekend that Was

Some March Madness quick thoughts:

• Really, this bracket is so chalk it's not even funny. I can't remember the last time it was this heavily seeded. A 7 seed is the lowest in the Sweet 16??


• So long, Wisconsin. Looks to me like you were never really that good to begin with. If only Kammron Taylor played as well for 40 minutes as he does in the last 5 minutes of each game.


• I was really sad that VCU lost after such a great comeback, and of course after their upset of Duke. If NBA scouts aren't at least taking a look at Eric Maynor at this point, they're crazy.


• I think not filling out a bracket was a great move this year. I loved being able to root fully for Purdue all game yesterday.


• To that end, is there a more over-hyped, over-rated player in the entire universe than Joakim Noah? He's *maybe* the third-best player on his team (Horford, Brewer), and yet every single media person/commentator (when they're not unaware of being on the air, Dickie V.) strokes him off like he's the best player in the country. Dude can't shoot, he's uglier than sin, and other than yelling each time he gets a rebound (think Moses Scurry, circa 1990-91 UNLV) and blocking an occasional shot, what does he bring to the table? And yet he gets every single call. He's like the Duke of centers (overrated, refs spoil him). I really hope someone kicks him in the nuts in the next game or two.


• I really think that if OSU had played any other #9 seed, that game wouldn't have been close. The Xavier kids really seem(ed) pissed off at Thad Matta. I will be surprised if OSU struggles with Tennessee as much as they did with Xavier.


• Along those lines, Ron Lewis = icewater veins; Greg Oden = lucky as hell that his cross-check wasn't rightfully called a flagrant/intentional foul (all late-game fouls are inherently intentional, of coursr, but usually you don't see people getting away with shoving a guy 15 feet with both arms). Along the lines of Noah, I think that depsite all of the love Oden gets, Conley is by far the best overall player on that team.


• That said, if I have a game-winning shot that needs to be taken in this tournament, I'd want the following guys to take it: 1) Chris Lofton 2) Ron Lewis. Hopefully, Thursday's game comes down to several last shots!


• From what I remember of the end of the Cavs game, the following things happened: 1) LeBron had 17 rebounds. Wow. 2) The Cavs won. 3) Carlos Boozer had a great game, despite all of the booing. Have we learned nothing Cleveland fans? Al Belle, the Ravens, Manny Ramirez... anyone that comes back and you boo, they're going to be motivated to burn you again. 4) Cavs have now won 8 in a row, and coupled with the Pistons' loss on Sunday are now only 1.5 games behind Detroit for the #1 seed. 5) Drew Gooden in a post-game interview with a towel wrapped around his head, coupled with my several-beers-impaired-vision, made him look like Jim Brown's character in "Mars Attacks". Not sure if that's good or bad.


• I did some of the best Black and Tan pouring of my life on Saturday, when the pressure was on. My wife was at the top of her game. She coordinated the production and release of Tostitos Scoops with three dips, two batches of cookies, a frozen pizza, and white pizza cheese dip and French bread with the aplomb of a Top Chef. Thanks, love.


• Our ornery dog, now around 10 years old, has recently figured out how to paw at the closet-style door to our basement and open it while we're not at home, thus meaning we now have to make sure we don't leave any food or doggie-contraband in the basement family room area (whereas we used to be safe). We came home from dinner last night to find he had launched a full-scale offensive: the whole door was off its track and swinging in the proverbial breeze. I am not too proud a man to admit defeat. The door now will stay open when we're gone. He's won the battle. The war rages on!

I think that's it for now. Yep, this is my life.

The PD Agrees With Me

Regarding my assessment of Ben Francisco.

Check it...

Catching Up: Top 3's

To expound on a theme I breifly touched on in an e-mail this morning, here are my top 3's in various subjects:

Top 3 Shots* that I Saw from Thursday March Madness

3. Dude from Xavier faking dude from BYU out of his jock, driving, hitting a floater to put the Musketeers ahead at the end.

2. Greg Oden tapping a rebound up in the air to himself, only to be able to thoroughly ass-dunk it on the head of the CCSU player below him. And this is coming from a Michigan fan. Must be nice to be the coach for CCSU, and to know that your tallest player is 6'7" and you somehow have to try to stop Greg Oden.

1. Maynor for VCU completely mushroom-stamping the entire Duke team with 1.6 seconds left. Nothing makes me happier than seeing those spoiled, we-get-all-the-calls ass-whifs being sent home in the first round.

*Note: had the foul not prevented it from technically counting, Jamar Butler (or was it someone else) chucking the ball off the glass to Oden for the poster-jam would have ranked #2. No one outranks Duke getting beat in the NCAAs. No one.


Top 3 March Cable Channels on Time Warner Digital Cable

3. Channel 90: NCAA Alternate Feed 3

2. Channel 89: NCAA Alternate Feed 2

1. Channel 88: NCAA Alternate Feed 1

I generally don't care that much for Time Warner, as I generally view them as an evil means to an end (that end being me getting sweet HD service for my 46-inch TV), but in the last month they let me talk them into lowering my bill $20 per month, and every March they trot out the alternate feeds for the NCAAs. Super sweet move.


Top 3 March Madness Commercials I Haven't Yet Seen and Hope I Don't See This Year

3. Any/all commercials from car companies that somehow try to tie buying a car in with winning the Tournament.

2. Any DiGiorno commercial involving Dick Vitale dunking while eating pizza, and screaming about it not being delivery, baby!

1. In a landslide, the Applebee's spot with the retiring high school coach who goes to Applebee's. My co-worker Brian (who probably hates the commercial as much or more than I do) and I have spent more time than we probably should have breaking down why we hate this commercial so much. Thanks in large part to those discussions, allow me to delve into why this commercial drives me to a homicidal rage of shouting each time I see it:

a) It's dude's last day of work, he's clearly sad about retiring, and all his wife can do is offer to take him to dinner at fucking Applebee's? Are you fucking kidding me?? "Can a girl buy you dinner?" If my wife offers to take me to Applebee's the day I retire, I'm going to ask her just to shoot me in the head instead.

b) I grew up in a fairly small town, and the staff at our local Applebee's didn't give a shit about me, about the community, and about our basketball coach. I sincerely doubt they would come over to him, and ask for his help in hanging their stupid picture up. It's kind of like the other Applebee's where the football team lost the big game, showed up to eat at Applebee's (which was closed/closing), and the entire staff was willing to stay over to serve them. Anyone that's ever worked a service job EVER with those kind of hours in their life knows that at that point, you're just wanting to go home, get your beer on, jerk off, and go to sleep. But I digress.

c) Wifey's face. If watching your husband hang a picture of himself up at your local fucking Applebee's chokes you up that much, you should probably re-evaluate what you've done with your life, and then go ahead and end said life. I am incapable of watching that commercial and NOT uttering a loud "UGGGHHHHHH!" whenever I see that face she makes. It's right up there with the Geico out-to-dinner Caveman who gives us the post-I-don't-have-much-of-an-appetite-thank-you sneer. What I wouldn't give for five minutes alone in a room with a lead pipe with that guy. But again, I've digressed.

d) This is really the penultimate dick-kick from Applebee's, who have also given us the aforementioned football team comes home too late commercial (those kids just lost the state title game, and they're sad about NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT AT APPLEBEE'S??), the "IIIIIII like steak and chicken" Frankie Valley style song, and the two douchebag singers doing the Gilligan's Island theme parody, telling us to sit right back and hear a tale about some tasty shrimp. I like shrimp, but I sure as shit won't be going to Applebee's to eat it.

And yes, I'm aware how psychotic it is that I've just devoted 4-5 paragraphs about a stupid Applebee's commercial.

Top 3 Things Elevating My False Hope for the 2007 Cleveland Browns

3. Jamal Lewis

2. Robaire Smith and Shaun Smith

1. Eric Steinbach and Seth McKinney


Top 3 Caveats to the above Top 3

3. I hate Jamal Lewis, and who knows if he has any tread left on the tires (or if it'd be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway--thanks, Stewie Griffin)?

2. Robaire could be over the hill, slightly, and Shaun might not ever fully develop into a nose tackle. Depth on the horrible d-line is always good, though, right?

1. Steinbach is earning A LOT of money, and the talent around him will be less than what he played with in Cincinnati. Does that mean he takes a step back? Also, McKinney had NECK SURGERY last year. As in, the part of the body that keeps the head attached and, when injured, results generally in paralysis and/or death. Anyone else think that having that kind of injury in tow is not a good thing when one comes to the Browns, who are running away with the title of Undisputed King of Freak Injuries franchise at this point?


Top 3 Cleveland Indians Who Won't Be on the Roster This Season, but that I really Like

3. Ben Francisco

2. Trevor Crowe

1. Adam Miller

Miller has been lights-out this spring, showing that's he back from the elbow that sidelined him a couple of years ago. Once the kid learns the finer points of pitching, he will be a stud. Once Crowe is ready to play in the big leagues, the combination of him, Barfield, and Sizemore will put so much good-hitting speed at the top of the Tribe's lineup that it will harken back to the Lofton-Vizquel-Baerga days at the top of the lineup. Except that, even at his apex, Baerga probably couldn't even come close to holding Sizemore's jock.


Top 3 Beers for my semi-Irish Arse this Weekend

3. Bass (mainly for Black and Tans)

2. Guinness Draft in a Bottle (or preferrably a tap, should I find myself at a bar somewhere)

1. Smithwick's


Top 3 Reasons That, in the Coming Few Weeks, I Will Probably Regress in all of the Weight-Loss/Toning Progress I've Made Over the Past Few Weeks

3. Golf/Hockey/Drinking/Family Male-Bonding in North Carolina next week with my brother, father, and crazy uncle

2. March Madness, and my seemingly ever-present need to drink beer while watching

1. God of War 2, which I purchased yesterday


And, lastly:
Top 3 Reasons that Cavs Might Have a Legitimate Shot at the #1 Seed in the East

3. LeBron James

2. LeBron James

1. LeBron James

I defy anyone who saw the third quarter of Wednesday's game at Memphis to disagree or argue with me.

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all, and to all a good night.

The Ebb and Flow

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

Yin - Overtime wins a-plenty.

You don't know, you betta aks somebody.

After 41 points, 8 rebounds, 7 assists, a monster "Fuck You!" block of a Richard Hamilton layup, and a jaw-dropping, off-balance-with-a-dude-in-his-face 35-foot almost-a-game-winner-in-regulation shot that was ruled (correctly) to be after the buzzer, and in spite of some horribly lopsided officiating, LeBron had carried the Cavs on his back to a much-needed overtime victory on the road in Detroit.

The Cavs now find themselves only 2 games back (albeit 3 in the loss column) of the Pistons for the division lead and overall #1 seed in the conference. In response to all of the blow-hards (Bill Simmons, I'm looking in your direction here, though I usually love your insights) who said LeBron was taking a step back this year, I think it's safely now apparent that he has just elected to save up for the stretch run. He was a top-10 player in the league while "coasting" through the first 50 games, and now look at him. You've all collectively unleashed hell on the rest of the league. I hope your crow tastes Mmm Mmm Good!

I think Lars said it best: "LeBron is definitely back, and while I would rather he give 100% in every game, he knows his body better than anyone else and if he felt he needed to save it for the stretch run and the playoffs, then that's ok with me. It is a little different than say baseball or football since virtually everyone with a half decent team will make the playoffs."

Couldn't agree more. Dude had a sore foot for a lot of the first half, and his team was treading water at 5-7 games over .500 while he was "coasting". Now that he's decided to reinforce the fact that he's the most unstoppable player in the league, his team has gone 9-4 in their last 13 and is 11 over .500, knocking on the door of the #1 seed. I know the Mavs are all-world, and Stevie Nash has some kind of deal with the devil, but if LeBron continues his Jordan-esque performance, and that in turn pushes the Cavs to the #1 seed in the conference, and he doesn't win the MVP, it will be a grave injustice.

The most telling thing about last night's game: the 4th quarter started with both teams tied at 70, and then the Pistons started out with an 11-2 run. Cue LeBron: "We didn't let that affect us," James said. "That shows growth. I'm proud of the guys. We could've easily tanked it. We've done that in the past. Tonight, we definitely didn't do that and we got a big win on the road."

A most welcome turning point, perhaps?


Too little, too late; but still nice to see.

The Blue Jackets have quietly won three in a row to ascend out of the near-basement of the Western Conference and earn some modicum of respect. First it was two tough road wins, including on the road in Dallas. Last night was a come-from-behind 3-2 overtime win in which the team grew up just a little bit more.

Now that Carter is gone, Berard is basically gone, and the Jackets are playing with some of the younger guys, it looks like they're starting to gain a little confidence. Hitch has them looking hungry, and they're hopefully building a foundation for a better year next year.

Since Hitchcock's hiring, the Jackets have gone 22-20-5 (49 points in 47 games, compared to 12 in the first 20 games with Gallant and interim-Agnew). 49 in 47 isn't exactly setting the world on fire, of course, but for a fairly young franchise that's never been near to being over .500 for a season, it's a start. They may not make the playoffs next year, but they could certainly be in the mix if they can continue to play at .500 or slightly above it for a longer stretch.

With the free-agency landscape of the NHL today, it's not unreasonable to think the Jackets are no more than just a stud defenseman and some better depth at goaltender away from a #7 seed in the playoffs next year.


Yang - Jamal Fucking Lewis??

Apparently, if you can't tackle him, sign him.

Seriously, the CNNSI.com lead says it all: "The Browns finally tackled Jamal Lewis." I don't like Joey Porter as a person; that said, I would have loved to have seen him on my team next year, because the guy brings it on Sunday and would have been an upgrade over Willie "I died 3 years ago" McGinnest. But Lewis? Perhaps the Browns are playing stop-gap until next year's draft and plan on picking high enough again to go after Slaton or McFadden. I mean, there's probably a reason the Ravens cut Lewis and locked up Musa Smith, no?

This, of course, doesn't even take into account his off the field issues. Just what the Browns need: a guy brokering coke deals in the locker room. Maybe they should bring Kevin Mack out of retirement just for that! Maybe Lewis can broker a staph infection (as Lars again aptly put it: "I'm hoping this is our 'big free agent' that ends up hurt with 10 years of staph infections. I thought Savage had higher standards for the people he brought to the team... oh well.").

The tarnished-silver lining: I'm glad the Lewis signing was only for one year. They kept saying when he visited Cleveland that he was shopping to get a multi-year offer from someone, and so I cringed this morning when I'd heard we had signed him. When I saw it was only a 1-year deal, I was much less upset (to put it in perspective, it'd be like finding out your girlfriend cheated on you, but then hearing that it wasn't with your best friend: you're still pissed, but not as pissed as you could be).

I guess just hope that we're not broadcasting to the world that we're not going to draft Peterson (trade down value), and if this means we're going to draft Brady Quinn, I will light myself on fire.

Now, please pack him in bubble wrap.

For the second straight off-season, the Browns have "gotten their man" on the o-line. The only caveat is that, exactly one year ago, the entire Browns nation was lauding the signing of LeCharles Bentley, only to watch him get hurt on the first day of practice. So, I propose we wrap Steinbach in bubble wrap and keep him away from the Browns facility (you know, where the staph viruses seem to live and thrive). We only take the bubble wrap off for the games.

Signing Eric Steinbach is huge. He can play guard, tackle, even center if need be. They're possibly going to look at him as a left tackle, move Shaffer to right tackle, and move Tucker to right guard.

I would have no problem with any of that, nor would I have any problem drafting Adrien Peterson in the first round, now. I'd still rather trade down, but trading down is always easier said than done.

A sleeping giant awakened?

So, call me a masochist, but I DVRed and watched the entire Cavs/Mavs tilt tonight, knowing full well at the outset that the Cavs had roughly zero shot of winning. And yet, here they kept hanging around... hanging around.

They lost to (by far) the best team in the NBA (who else can go 10 freaking deep??) on its home floor... by 3... with some serious home cooking from the officials (let me get this straight... it's a charge when Pavlovic runs into a Mavs player, but when Jason Terry does the exact same fucking thing to Varejao, it's blocking... alright, got it).

Also of importance, LeBron James not only has looked good since right before the All Star break, but was almost unstoppable tonight.... err, until the last 13 seconds when he missed two free throws and two wide-open 3's that would have tied it.

Even still, they looked like a decent enough team, even though they didn't necessarily play all that well. They still ended up giving the Mavs all they could handle, and almost stole a win on the road from a team that's gone 49-5 since the first week of the season (I mean, 49-5!!!).

And, let's be honest: LeBron threw down one of the sicker dunks that this reporter has ever seen on friggin' DeSagana Diop's mug in the first half. As soon as I can find it on YouTube.....

Edit
Eureka!

What would YOU do?

My boy Steve is on to something here. And, while I can not expound on this premise with nearly the pinache and wittiness of Mr. Edgehouse, allow me to give it a go. The premise, from Steve:

I've been thinking about fuck you money. You know, Howard Stern money: having enough of it to do whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want, jobs and bosses and responsibilities and whatnot be damned.

Fuck you money also allows for the possibility of exacting a particularly fun sort of revenge against slights both real and perceived, and that's where my mind takes me the most when I find myself an imaginary billionaire.

I love my job, and I lovingly cling to the illusion that what I do matters in its own little way, so I don't find myself dreaming of quitting my job and living a leisurely life. ... What happens instead is I spend a gross amount of time thinking about ways to spend my F.U.$. on everyone who's ever gotten in my illbegotten way.

I believe Dave Chappell did something similar before wigging out and going to Africa (a sketch found in the "lost episodes" of "season 3"). What would I do? (You mean, besides two chicks at the same time?)

• Unlike Steve, the first thing I'd do would be to quit my job "Half-Baked" style: line up all of my bosses and co-workers in a room, and announce: "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.... you're cool... fuck you. I'm out!"


• On second thought, I'd rather go the George Costanza route. "Now, THAT guy got FIRED!" Honestly, if you knew you had enough fuck you money that you could just go to work and do a shitty job, to see how much you could get away with before getting fired, and/or then to make sure you got fired in the most collasal way possible, wouldn't that be every person's best wet dream?


• I would set up an endowment fund for the Cleveland Indians to be able to sign an actual GOOD player each off-season. David Delucci can go fuck himself.


• I would build a recording studio in my (new, huge) house and only record/produce bands doing something new, fresh, and NOT radio/trendy/knockoffs. I would do it at cost or even pro-bono in certain cases. I would then buy each band gold-plated diapers.


• I would give enough money to my step-father to open his own micro-brewery, and then I would take daily swims in the vat of my favorite beer (think: Landfill from "Beerfest" minus the drowning).


• A la Forrest Gump, I would pay someone handsomely to bulldoze Justin Zimmerman's house. If he happens to be in the house... meh. He knows why.


• And, much like Steve, I would track down the bastards that dumped our dog Riley by the side of the road to fend for himself and get heartworms. How someone could dump the coolest fucking dog ever to walk God's green earth is beyond me. They would pay mightily. I would also invest in cloning Riley.


• Along those lines, Melissa and I would buy some land in the country, and set up the Riley Rufus Epley Parker free-range abused dogs ranch. Here, the dogs could run free, frolic, and not be abused or neglected. It would be like Cesar's "pack" on The Dog Whisperer, only cooler. Maybe we could get Cesar on the payroll, even.


• Open a pizza place/bar. Anytime people I don't like come in, they get a little "Van Wilder-style" laxitive powder in their food/drink. They are then not allowed to use the restrooms of our establishment. I suspect this would be a short-lived endeavor, due to the health department's probable nagging and the mounting lawyer fees.


• I would pay midgets to joust in my backyard. OK, not really. Just wanted to check to see who read this far down the list.


• I would create a gym (possibly a chain) at which only scrawny and/or out of shape and/or not-that-good-at-sports people could workout. I really think this idea could take off, not only because I would be the gym's first client (because I hate trying to lift weights/work out next to burly dudes and/or trying to play hoop at my gym with people that: a) don't pass the ball, because they think a scout for the Cavs might be watching them as they drive to the basket and attempt the super spinning double-reverse layup every single fucking time down the court, on which they are fouled each time they don't make the shot, therby allowing them to check the ball out of that top of the key and do it all over again, and thus not reward the gangly 6'3" guy who sets good picks and is always open on the roll to the basket, and who might make a layup if you actually PASSED HIM THE FUCKING BALL!, b) talk way too much shit, and c) basically run my ass off the courts) but because I am taking a wild guess that there are hundreds of thousands of people out there like me.


• Finance the complete change-over of all of my schools' mascots to the middle finger.


• Talk to K-Lowe about what his ideal student-success/writing-success type of collegiate endeavor would be. Make this endeavor happen, which would hopefully allow him also to quit his job Half-Baked style.


• Give Steve his own talkshow. I would be the drummer for his band, and hopefully we could then have a Conan/Max Weinberg style dialogue each show. I would then bask in his sardonic hilarious-ness.


• Find all of those jerks from my high school class (too numerous to mention individually here) and treat them a la Dana Carvey's Ross Perot sketch... whereby I give them a $1000 to do degrading things, simply to prove to them how much more money I have than they could ever hope for.

I'm enjoying this a little too much, so I should probably stop. If I think of anymore, you'll be the first ones to know.